Last week I said I would comment on the difference between having to do something and choosing to do it. I was sure I had already blogged on this topic, but I haven´t been able to find the article, so here´s my reflection from today, at the risk of repeating myself.

Think for a moment about all the things you have to do today, or this week, or regularly as part of your day-to-day. If you have the time, sit down with pen and paper and write a list, as comprehensive as possible, starting each line with the words "I have to...".

Examples:

• I have to get up early tomorrow.
• I have to go to work.
• I have to prepare meals.

(Photo of the sunrise from Adamstown station, on a day I got up early to take the train to Dublin).

Now read that list carefully.

How do you feel?

I remember doing this exercise a few years ago and feeling all those "I have to" as an enormous weight on my shoulders, like a giant boulder crushing me, giving me no alternative but to meet my obligations.

Because that´s the hidden assumption, that every "I have to" is an obligation. And spending one´s day meeting obligations is not only boring/stressful/depressing (choose the adjective you resonate most with), but it is also energy-draining, and, in the long term, simply exhausting.

But, what if we could think about those tasks in a way that motivated us, instead of getting us bored, stressed out or depressed?

Here´s where the transformative power of words comes into play. Because words matter, and they matter a lot. The ones we pronounce out loud and the ones we say to ourselves, which are our thoughts at the end of the day.

Now try writing the same list again, but instead of starting each line with "I have to...", start it with "I choose...":

• I choose to get up early tomorrow.
• I choose to go to work.
• I choose to prepare meals.

Read this new list carefully. What do you think of it?

What you just did is turn every task from your day into a choice instead of an obligation. But just changing the words is not enough: we have to realize that we´re truly the ones deciding to do all of those things, the same way we choose not to do others. And then assume that responsibility.

Because even though it often seems like we have no other choice, the truth is, in the vast majority of cases (if not always), we actually do. So, the next step is to observe these tasks one by one, see what other options are available, and analyze the consequences (both in the short and long term) of each of those options. Am I willing to accept the consequences of not getting up early, not going to work, not cooking?

You may find that some of the tasks are not as indispensable as you thought; maybe they´re things you just keep doing out of inertia, without reflecting on whether they still make sense, or perhaps something someone proposed to you (or imposed on you) at some point and you just accepted without questioning. Giving yourself permission to choose something different from now on may lighten some of your load.

OK, that´s great, so what about the others? What about those tasks from the list for which choosing another option is not viable? What you can do in those cases is reestablish your motivation, your intention, the benefit that the task is going to bring you (or the damage it´s going to avoid):

• I choose to get up early so that I can dedicate some time to myself, get organized and feel in control of my day (or alternatively: when I don´t get up early, I have to run around, I start my day already feeling behind and I get more stressed out, so I choose to get up early).
• I choose to go to work to earn my salary and also to feel fulfilled and grow as a professional (or alternatively: if I don´t go to work, they will end up firing me, so I won´t be able to pay my mortgage or go on holidays, and I may not find another job I like, so I choose to go to work).
• I choose to prepare meals so that my family and I maintain a balanced diet, stay healthy and have enough energy (or alternatively: if I don´t prepare meals beforehand, we´ll end up eating poorly, and we´ll have health problems down the line, so I choose to cook).

What do you think? Do you notice the difference between perceiving things as an obligation versus embracing them as our own choice?

Just one final comment: if you find that "I choose..." is too difficult for you to use, if it feels too forced to you, then another alternative to using "I have to..." can be simply saying "I´m going to...". This way, you don´t get stuck on whether you´re deciding for yourself or someone else is deciding for you: you´re going to do it, you get it done, and that´s it. Mission accomplished!

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

William James