Giving and receiving

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Today I´m writing these lines from Madrid, my second home, where I´m very fortunate to be able to stay once in a while. I´m allowing myself the luxury of enjoying a few days doing things that are important but not urgent.

One of those things, for example, was having lunch today with a few classmates from the Master´s degree we finished four years ago. And a really interesting topic of conversation came up: the importance of finding the balance between giving and receiving,

Because we often place a lot of focus on giving, and we´re giving from the heart, with our best intentions, but... how good are we at receiving? How much do we allow ourselves to receive?

(Painting seen in the streets of Dublin city a few months ago, with the title Heart FM. Interestingly, this was the flip side just behind the drawing from last week, Brain FM.)

Here are a few quotes to reflect on this topic:

Gracious acceptance is an art — an art which most never bother to cultivate.
We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget to also receive,
which can be much harder than giving….
Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.

Alexander McCall Smith

Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart.
When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to giving help.”

Brené Brown

When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully
everyone is blessed.

Maya Angelou

Thanks a million, Laura, Miriam, Lara and Alicia for our time together today; I really enjoyed it. You have reminded me once more that personal development work never ends, and that it involves not only contributing as much as we can, but also accepting, being grateful for, and enjoying all the good things that life brings us, now and in the future.

What about you? What is it that you´re not allowing yourself to accept and receive?

Untranslatable words: like-minded

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Today, I present to you a hyphenated English word that I really like, and that I´m including in the category of untranslatables (according to my particular definition of the term) because its translation into Spanish seems quite clumsy to me, compared to the original.

It´s the adjective like-minded, which is almost always followed by person or people, an expression that can be translated as "persona(s) con ideas afines". In other words: people who, in one way or another, think similarly to you.

And even though it´s true that it´s very dangerous to ONLY surround yourself with people who think like you (a problem that is unfortunately very present these days, making us move backwards as a society instead of progressing forward), having friends and colleagues who share your hobbies and interests in specific topics is very beneficial to learn together, share ideas and encourage each other to continue to grow.

(Painting seen in the streets of Dublin city a few months ago, with the title Brain FM.)

This weekend, I had the pleasure of meeting in person with a colleague I consider part of my Enneagram "tribe" (or, I should rather say, my clan: Awareness to Action). And together we attended the annual conference hosted by Enneagram Alive, a tremendous opportunity to meet other Enneagram practitioners scattered around Ireland, the UK and a few other corners of Europe. It was a day for sharing, learning, exchanging impressions and contrasting approaches, all in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere. Thanks a million to the organisers for such an engaging day, and most of all, thanks, Pawel, for letting me know about the event and coming to Dublin to participate live!

What about you? What groups and communities of like-minded people are you part of that encourage you to share ideas and grow?

Resting

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After three pretty intense weeks back into the school year routine, this weekend it was time for me to have some rest, to gather my strength again and prevent tiredness from taking its toll on my body.

Although on Friday I could not pass on the opportunity to drop by Culture Night (the equivalent to "la noche en blanco" in Madrid and other cities), which is one my favourite evenings of the year in Ireland. Only this time, instead of going to Dublin city centre, I walked to the nearby village of Lucan, where there were also several events programmed, including the art exhibition where I found this lovely painting:

(Painting by Stephen Dowling, @stephendowlingart on Instagram.)

Like I´ve already mentioned on this blog, I generally find it difficult to stop and take a break to rest, even though I´ve been learning to manage that better, for my own sake and also for my family. Because sometimes we forget that we cannot become the best version of ourselves if we´re constantly exhausted... Our performance is not the same, and our relationships are not the same, and we don´t have any energy left to do anything other than survive.

There´s a quote that I really like that I think illustrates this idea very well; according to Google, it´s attributed to both American general George S. Patton and American football coach Vince Lombardi:

Fatigue makes cowards of us all.

What thoughts come to your mind as you read this phrase? You´ve probably also experienced this in some shape or form: feeling that you don´t have the energy to tackle a project or make a big life change, no matter how much you´d like to do it in theory. But maybe you never thought of connecting that directly to your habitual state of tiredness, or maybe you thought that your tiredness was only temporary, and that, miraculously, tomorrow, or next month, you´ll have more energy (or more time, which is another side of the same problem) and you´ll be able to get on to it.

Because the other thing at play here is that chronic tiredness is completely normalised in our society these days, as is filling up all our waking hours with activities, be it work, learning or leisure. If you bump into someone in the street and ask them how they´re doing, chances are they will answer that they´re very busy, and you will think that that´s completely normal. But by keeping this up, we´re not doing ourselves any favours, because, even though staying constantly occupied makes us feel like we´re being "productive", in reality we may be doing no more than spinning round and round in the hamster wheel, without making any progress or arriving anywhere new.

So today, I invite you to reflect on this topic for a little while: what project or life change are you postponing because you don't feel you have the energy? Try incorporating more REST into your daily life (by the way, watching TV or scrolling social media don´t count as rest!) and I can assure you you will notice the difference.

Windows to the world

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Earlier this week, I heard something on the radio that I found interesting: it was about how young people nowadays believe you can learn more about how a person really is from the books they own than from their social media profile. What do you think of that?

I´m not well-versed in social media, so on that side, I prefer not to give an opinion, beyond repeating the usual argument that says that social media only shows us a minuscule portion of a person´s life, often carefully selected, and never telling the whole story, not even remotely.

On the topic of books, I can comment a bit more. As I´ve probably told you already, I grew up in a family with many, many books at home, and throughout my life, I´ve spent countless hours reading; it´s a habit I´ve been progressively losing, unfortunately, and that I want to resume... But anyway, we could say I also inherited that soft spot for reading, and I´ve done my best to pass it on to my daughters as well.

(Sign seen in a well-known department store in Madrid, El Corte Inglés: "Each book is a window to the world. Come and have a look.")

This summer, I spent time decluttering some of my father´s books, and it is true that they reflected many of his interests: politics, history, art... But I think the key is not that they were his books, precisely, but simply that they were his things, the things he chose to have in his home, because he liked them and used them regularly. For my father, reading was a really important part of daily life; for others, it will be other things.

So maybe I would slightly rephrase that comment to say that you can learn more about how a person really is by visiting their home, or their room: the place they consider theirs and that they make their own, inadvertently making it reflect their character and preferences. In our house, there are many books, yes, but there are also games and many other things that reflect the way we are and what is important to us.

They say a book is a window to the world; perhaps the window to a person is not their social media, but the place where they live and are allowed to be themselves.

Challenge upon challenge

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OK, first week of September done! How did it go for you?

If you remember, last week I set up a 30 day challenge for myself, and I committed to giving you updates on my progress (which is an amazing trick to increase the chances of success).

Well, I realised it was enough of a challenge just to get back to a full week of our daily routine, including full-time schedules at school (primary and secondary) and in the office, plus welcoming guests over the weekend (thanks to my cousins for coming!) Even with all that, I got off to a really good start (as it´s often the case), dedicating time to different kinds of exercise every day: walking, yoga, rowing machine... It was all going swimmingly, and then on Thursday I got swamped and didn´t have the chance to make time for exercising.

If you´ve ever done a challenge of this type, or you´ve established (or tried to establish) a new habit, you´ve probably bumped into this problem as well: what happens if, for whatever reason, you skip a day? Is it time to throw it all away?

We may have a natural tendency to think this way, in absolute terms (or we could also say, honouring this blog´s title, in binary terms): all or nothing, black or white. If you haven´t managed to finish the whole thing, then it´s as if you hadn´t done anything at all... Our brain makes these simplifications in order to save energy,, and also because it doesn´t like uncertainty at all, so it looks for a categorical response (and if it can´t find one, it makes it up). According to this supersimplified reasoning, skipping one day equates to failing; there´s nothing more you can do, the 30-day streak is broken, so you´d better throw in the towel.

But there are other ways to think about the same situation that are equally valid and way more productive, encouraging us to continue to make progress instead of pulling us down into shame:

  • For example, I could choose to remember the fact that I´ve been able to exercise intentionally on six days out of seven, which is much much higher than what I would have been able to achieve if I hadn´t been participating in the challenge.
  • I could also give myself at least some credit for staying more active in general, going up and down the stairs in the office, going outdoors for walks more often, etc.
  • I could even congratulate myself for at least having started a several-day streak, and for resuming it after the day I skipped.

If you think about it, even Duolingo forgives you when you skip a day of practice! Basically, because they know that us humans are not perfect, and that these things happen; staying constant is quite difficult.

(Sign seen in Dundrum shopping centre last year, with a quote from Seth Godin: "The only thing worse than starting something and faliing... is not starting something.")

We could also go one step further, and take the opportunity to look inside and investigate what may be behind that small "failure": what´s the real reason why I wasn´t able to meet my commitment? Am I aligning my daily priorities with what I consider important in my life? In which way may I be sabotaging myself?

And here is where being familiar with our personality patterns proves to be tremendously helpful, allowing us to hit the nail on the head and find the reasons why we do a lot of the things we do, as well as explain those contradictions that drive us (or our loved ones) crazy sometimes. This is what is going to determine the difference between continuing to stumble on the same stone again and again or finally getting to understand the path and have an easier journey.

So, are you up for it? Have a look at the services page, contact me , and let´s talk about it.

30-day challenge

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What are your thoughts on 30-day challenges? Have you ever done one?

Now that September is about to start, it´s a very good time to consider doing one (and I just realised I wrote practically the same thing two years ago, when I was doing the challenge with 30 quotes in 30 days).

(Photo of the September page in my kitchen calendar at home.)

This year, at work, we´ve been encouraged to set a challenge for ourselves in September, somehow including the number 30, to commemorate the 30th anniversary of our company opening its first office in Ireland. I chose something (hopefully) as simple as exercising for a little while every day of the month; let´s see how it goes, I´ll let you know.

By the way, this "I´ll let you know" bit is not trivial at all: now that I´ve made a commitment in front of you all to exercise 30 days in a row, and that I´m going to have to tell you every week whether I´ve done it or not, I´ve just considerably raised the probabilities of me continuing with the challenge and completing it. Being accountable to another person is a fabulous trick to stay motivated.

But why? Because our brain finds it really hard to see the possible benefits of a healthy habit, as they´re only noticeable in the long term, and our brain is programmed to help us to survive in the short term. That´s why we would much rather lie on the sofa, conserving energy, than get up and go to the gym...

However, if staying on the sofa is going to bring along the embarrassment of having to admit in front of others that we haven´t kept our promise of going to the gym, then everything changes: the consequence, a punishment in this case, is a lot more immediate and tangible.

So I encourage you to use this trick to your advantage whenever you want to establish a new habit: let everybody know, and you´ll see how you end up doing it, if you don´t want to die of embarrassment! Or if not everybody, then at least let one person know; this is what we call an accountability partner, an English term that doesn´t seem to have a good translation into Spanish (one more for the list of untranslatables); the closest to this idea would be un compañero al que rendirle cuentas. And if your partner is also working on the same challenge, even better; you can hold each other accountable, and both of you will benefit.

So, what´s going to be your challenge for the month of September? And who´s going to be your accountability partner?

Untranslatable expressions: to pack light

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It´s been a while since I last dedicated a blog article to a phrase or expression from those that I call untranslatables, not exactly because they´re impossible to translate, but because they lose a lot of their charm (let´s say, their elegance) when translated from English into Spanish or vice versa.

Today´s expression is to pack light, and the problem here is not the word light, which directly translates as "ligero/a", but with the verb to pack, which in this context has a translation that´s long and clumsy, at least in the version of Spanish we use in Spain: "hacer las maletas" (in other versions of Spanish there´s the word empacar, which is shorter, yes, but sounds super weird to me).

In my opinion, the translation that best conveys the idea behind to pack light is "ligero de equipaje", and in both languages, the meaning goes beyond the mere act of packing: it refers to a way of travelling, and ultimately, to a philosophy of life.

(Picture I once hurriedly took of a person I saw in the street, or rather, of their bag. I loved that little drawing of the line going all over the place, anywhere but straight ahead, as a metaphor of the journey of life; it reminded me of the image I used a few years ago in this article.)

I admit I have never been a person who packs light, and I profoundly admire those who are able to. Even though I´d like to think I´ve improved slightly over the years, deep down I´m still the queen of "just-in-case"... So when it´s time to pack, I´m inevitably assaulted by doubts, and I lean too much towards the side of caution, which almost always results in me packing a lot more stuff than I actually need, with the corresponding extra load (both physical and emotional) associated to it.

All of this is coming to my head now because this weekend I´m travelling with the girls, one last little escapade before going back to school, and unsurprisingly, I filled up my suitcase almost to the top, while they had tons of free space in theirs! They could even have shared suitcases. I have A LOT to learn from them.

But there´s also another way to think about the concept of "packing light", and it´s in relation to our emotional baggage: all that weight we carry around, consciously or unconsciously (judgement, guilt, resentment...) that we would really benefit from getting rid of. That weight is not going to magically disappear, no matter how much we try to cover it or look the other way. But it can be lightened quite a lot through deep work involving awareness and personal growth.

What are your thoughts on this? Are you already travelling light? Or are you carrying a lot more than what you need?

Back to basics (again)

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It´s mid-August, and in Ireland (as I´m guessing is happening in Spain as well), there are "back to school" signs and ads everywhere.

I remember that, when I was younger, I really hated seeing them; I found it hard to accept that the summer was coming to an end, and that it was time to start thinking about getting back into the school year routine.

(Photo of a page in my square-gridded notebook.)

I guess nowadays I tend to be more philosophical with these kind of things; I find I can adapt more easily to the various cycles that life goes through (and that we go through as well). As they used to say in that old song, to everything there is a season... So, let´s focus on doing whatever it´s time to do at any given moment, and above all, let´s focus on enjoying it, and learning from it, instead of just resigning ourselves to suffer it.

Now that the beginning of a new school year is approaching, you may be experiencing the same thing that often happens to me: you already have a super long list of tasks, projects and assorted commitments to try and fit in the calendar, and you feel exhausted just by looking at it...

It´s the perfect moment to take a step back and go back to basics: make sure we´re taking proper care of ourselves, so that we can start the new school year with our batteries fullly charged, and armed with good habits that will help us to maintain our energy and enthusiasm.

How about you? Are you still in holiday mode, or in the process of coming back? What is it the time to do right now?

P.S.- "That old song", in case you´d like to look it up, is from the sixties; I remember it from the TV series The wonder years. The title is Turn, turn, turn, from a band called The Byrds:

To everything (turn, turn, turn), there is a season (turn, turn, turn)...

Generations

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I´m writing these lines from Barajas airport, getting ready to fly back to Dublin after a two-week holiday in Spain.

I´m coming back tired, but also happy: it´s been time really well spent. The holidays have been slightly chaotic, having to change plans a couple of times, but in the end, it has all turned out really well.

And the best part, no doubt, has been meeting Mar, the first baby of my family´s next generation, in person, in a place where the memory of her great-grandparents Ángel and Mari Carmen is always very present.

One more generation... I often have a feeling I find very interesting when I meet with friends, or even my siblings: that it seems time hasn´t passed and we are the same as always... Until we look at our children, at the next generation, and then we realise!

As usual, here are a few quotes to reflect on this topic:

Each generation imagines itself
to be more intelligent than the one that went before it,
and wiser than the one that comes after it.

George Orwell

We need to remember across generations
that there is as much to learn as there is to teach.

Gloria Steinem

What one generation sees as a luxury,
the next sees as a necessity.

Anthony Crosland

And one that I found very funny:

From the earliest time, the old have rubbed it into the young that they are wiser, and before the young had discovered what nonsense this was, they were old too, and it profited them to carry on the imposture. - W. Somerset Maugham

Closed for vacation (III)

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As it´s already tradition in this blog, I´m writing my vacation post from my happy place, where I´ve been very lucky to return once again this summer (you can read articles from previous years here and here).

(Photo taken today at sunset, from the "rock-house" where I used to play so often as a child.)

Once again, the old and the new get intertwined as I reacquaint myself with certain places and people: memories living alongside the here and now, creating a feeling of continuity. In a way, it´s always the same, but at the same time, it´s never the same.

Heraclitus said that you cannot swim twice in the same river, because neither you nor the river will be the same, with everything being in constant change. And this other quote goes along the same lines:

You won't find the same person twice,
not even in the same person.

Mahmud Darwish

I think this is a good reminder of the fact that we all change over time (whether we like it or not), and that we must give ourselves (and others) permission to grow, learn and evolve as a person, each of us in our own style and at our own pace, even if that implies not fulfilling certain expectations (I will tell you about "growth guilt" later on, in a future article).

But I also have to say that, similarly to what happens with certain places, even though people progressively change, there´s a certain continuity to them that stays over the years. A good analogy that can help with understanding this is a tree: a cherry tree can grow very tall or stay small; it can become quite leafy or barely have leaves, depending on different factors like the weather, sunlight, water, soil nutrients... But what it´s never ever going to do is become a pine tree, an oak tree or a palm tree.

Similarly, each person has a certain way to be, to show up,, which of course can mature and stabilise over time, but, save for cases like serious trauma and the like, broadly speaking, it´s going to continue the same. Our brain finds it really difficult to change, and it does so very slowly, bit by bit; that´s why it´s so important to have tools to help us make the most of that continuity (instead of fighting against it) and progressively become the best version of ourselves.

What about you? What particular places and people do you find simultaneously familiar and different?