Today, I´m bringing you a quote that perfectly illustrates the weekend we just finished:
(This picture is not recent; it´s from a few months ago, but it´s an excellent match for today´s article)
We had visitors spending the weekend with us: my cousins, the Requenas, double the amount this time and accompanied by Grandad (the only ones who couldn´t make it were cousin Borja and his family; we missed you).
Sixteen people sleeping at home. Not bad, eh?
As you can imagine, it´s been a bit chaotic (or a lot). But I'm a lot less worried about that these days. I thin I´m progressively coming to terms with that chaos I used to fight against so much; I can manage it a lot better nowadays, and occasionally, I even enjoy it. Although, of course, under normal circumstances, I still prefer a minimum level of planning and organisation (otherwise, it wouldn´t be me).
This weekend, the chaos has definitely been worth it: it´s been wonderful for us to see each other again after all these years, to chat and spend time together, and for our kids to also meet in person. We improvised a lot, and we also laughed a lot, as it couldn´t be any other way. Thanks a million to Grampa Carlos for putting up with us all, to our "German" cousins Carlos (sr), Lourdes, Carlos (jr), Yago, Alonso and Celia, and of course, to our "Irish" cousins from Oranmore. See you soon.
Exactly nineteen years and two days ago, I arrived in Ireland with the intention to stay. I had visited Dublin a few months before, but this time I was relocating indefinitely; I didn´t have a return ticket to Spain.
Back then, I was recently married and had been working in IT for just three years; we could say I had my whole life ahead of me. Up to then, my life had been quite predictable, but it was time to start a new adventure... Or rather, a lot of new adventures, one after the other. Adventures of many different kinds; some more predictable than others, some more challenging than others, and all of them profoundly enriching.
I´ve called them adventures, but maybe there´s a better word to define them: transitions.
(I took this photo while spending a lovely evening with my cousins at a beach in county Galway, I can´t remember the name of the beach, sorry)
The Oxford Dictionary defines transition as "The process of changing from one state to another", and some of its synonyms can be change, movement, transformation and metamorphosis.
Interestingly, a few days ago at work (thanks Naval!) information was shared about the importance of transitions in a person´s life. These are some conclusions by Bruce Feiler, author of the book Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age:
We are likely to experience a new transition every 12-18 months.
Most transitions take at least three to five years to complete.
One out of every ten of them becomes a "lifequake" – a kind of earthquake that shakes up our whole life.
In the course of our lives we go through three to five of those "lifequakes".
53% are involuntary, which includes events like having a spouse cheat on you, losing your job or getting a medical diagnosis.
47% are voluntary, which includes you cheating on your spouse, you leaving your job to start a business or you choosing to move to a new country.
Interesting, isn´t it? Now looking back, I can identify a few of those "lifequakes" in my life, and it is true that you feel like your world is crumbling down, or at least, that everything is being shaken within you and around you. It makes you a bit dizzy.
Then little by little, as time goes by, everything starts to fall into place again; you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and end up coming out the other side feeling a bit stronger and also a bit wiser. That´s until next time of course, whether you like it or not, because transitions are an inevitable part of life.
So, what are the things that can help us to endure transitions better, especially the most radical ones? All the available tools and resources around personal development can be really helpful, and if you´ve been reading this blog for a while, hopefully you´ll have already identified a few of them (self-discovery and emotional intelligence are always an excellent starting point, as well as the stoic philosophy, and of course, coaching).
But on top of all those resources, there´s another factor that´s extremely important according to the experts (thanks Luis for this information). As explained by Robert Waldinger in his TED talk, a Harvard study that´s been observing individuals throughout their life (and measuring their happiness levels) for 75 years has resulted in the conclusion that, regardless of socioeconomic level and many other factors, the happiest individuals are, without a doubt, the ones that keep good relationships with other people.
In other words: the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. That´s it. As simple as that.
And I´m not just referring to your spouse/partner (on whom, by the way, we put too many expectations nowadays), but also your friends, your family... In summary, having a support network of loved ones with whom you can share your news, both happy and sad. It´s proven that it improves your mental, emotional and even physical health.
Looking back again, I realize that for each and every one of my "lifequakes", I´ve been lucky enough to count on lots of love and support from my family and friends, my loved ones. They felt my sorrows and also my joy; they listened to me and offered to help, and they trusted me even when they didn´t share my opinions or understand my decisions. All of that was incredibly helpful for me, it allowed me to continue along my path with relatively firm steps. And to be honest, I don´t know if I ever thanked them... A MILLION THANKS to all of you, from the bottom of my heart.
What about you? What "lifequakes" are you facing now, or have you faced recently? And who are you counting on to accompany you along the path, so that the trip gets a little easier?
This weekend at home, we´ve been talking about university courses. Irene, my eldest daughter, is finishing secondary school this year, so it´s time for her to choose what she wants to study, and her sister Alicia will be in the same situation in just two years.
(This photo is from Maynooth University, which is close to our house. It´s a modern university, though it also has some older buildings. I walked around the area a few days ago, and I really liked the atmosphere.)
In fairness, choosing a college course is a turning point in a teenager´s life; it may even be the first big decision many of them face. And it can be quite an overwhelming process, filled with doubt and uncertainty. Those with a clear first option will feel pressured to get the necessary marks, and they may obsess over whether they will get in or not. But what about those who don´t even know which way to go? Even more doubts, pressure and stress, trying to sort out their thoughts and choose wisely.
Because, the thing is, whatever you study in college will determine your professional life once you´re done...
All of this reminds me of the presentation I gave last year on career paths (you can read the articles here and here), where I tried to calm down the kids to an extent in that regard. When it comes to important decisions like this one, it´s natural to feel the need to get it right and find the perfect solution, in this case, choosing the ideal career path... But the reality is that we don´t have all the information, plus things don´t depend solely on us, plus the perfect solution as such doesn´t exist; what does exist are different options that will give us different results and learnings..
Luckily, nowadays, choosing a particular career or profession doesn´t necessarily mean getting stuck there for life: reinvention is very common, due to people´s own will as well as the evolution of job markets. So, in. my opinion, the most important thing is to get started somewhere (if possible, doing something you like and/or you´re good at), do your best, learn a lot, gain experience, and then, if needed, start making adjustments as you make progress.
Just to be clear, I´m not saying you should reinvent yourself and change your career path every ten minutes, OK? You will need a bit of patience and perseverance to be able to learn everything that each phase has to teach you.
And the good thing is that all the knowledge, experience and skills that we acquire in each phase we integrate without noticing, and that makes us better professionals, even if, at first sight, it may seem like some items are not relevant or not applicable to the new position or situation..
Let me give you a couple of examples from my own career path, to see if they help to make it clear:
In college, I studied Computer Engineering; thanks to that, I learned programming, and even though programming was not my favourite activity in life (it wasn´t my hobby the same way it was for some of my friends), I was relatively good at it. My first few jobs once I finished college were as a software programmer.
When I moved to Ireland, I also started working as a programmer, but as time went by, a few junior engineers joined my team. Over time, I started programming less and less and doing more and more analysis tasks (that is, understanding how the system works and what updates are required to do whatever is needed for each project).
The following company that hired me (the one I´m still working for) hired me directly as a Systems Analyst.
Typically, Systems Analyst tasks include:
Gathering all the user or client requirements to add functionality to a system
Documenting the system´s current state (as-is)
Defining the future state, once the new functionality is added (to-be)
Specify the required changes to move from current state to future state, and
Work with the development team to implement said changes.
Years later, I discovered coaching, a discipline that doesn´t seem to have anything to do with systems analysis... Until we start looking at the steps of the GROW model (the most widespread model in coaching) in detail:
Goal – Define the goal: what do you want to achieve?
Reality – Explore reality, how are things right now, in relation to the goal?
Options – List your options: what could you do to make progress towards your goal?
Will or Way forward – Action plan: what are you going to do, where are you going to start?
Well, it turns out that (in general terms, and being mindful of the differences) the structure of a coaching session is not that different from the steps you follow before modifying a webpage, for example. And the structured and analytical mind I got from all these years of working as a Systems Analyst gave me a great foundation to manage my coaching sessions skillfully.
And I´ve noticed another parallel:
Beyond individual sessions, let´s remember that coaching is, first of all, a process:
At the very beginning, an overall goal (the process goal) is established, and it is defined as precisely as possible.
Then, in each session, we identify a specific topic to work on (the session goal) related to the overall goal, and a new action plan is defined.
This way, each session involves taking another step towards the overall goal, evaluating the results from the previous step and course-correcting as often as needed.
This could be compared to the way we work in Technology with Agile methodologies, for example, Scrum:
Each project or initiative represents a goal: implementing certain functionality in the system.
The team defines, for each work cycle (in Scrum this is called sprint, a set time period, for example, two weeks), a partial goal in relation to the whole effort, based on the number of tasks they estimate they can finish in the allocated time.
At the end of each sprint there´s a follow up on the work, the team reflects on what worked well and what didn´t, what they were able to finish and what they weren´t, the necessary adjustments are made, and the next sprint is planned.
I hope these examples illustrate a bit of what I want to convey with this post: that many of the things we learn in certain contexts can be really useful resources in other contexts, and that even if we don´t "get it right" the first time with our career path, we´ll be learning and evolving regardless, so we won´t be wasting time at all, on the contrary.
What´s your opinion on this? What skills do you have now, thanks to previous jobs or projects?
Today, I´m sharing with you another one of my favourite chapters from Anthony de Mello´s book The way to Love , which I think contains incredible wisdom. You can read my previous posts on this topic here and here.
This is meditation number twenty-two; please let me know what you think, and I´ll also share my opinion further down:
"Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes." - Luke 12:37
Everywhere in the world people are in search of
love, for everyone is convinced that love alone can save the world, love alone can make life meaningful and worth living. But how very few understand what love really is, and how it arises in the human heart. It is so frequently equated with good feelings toward others, with benevolence or nonviolence or service. But these things in themselves are not love. Love springs from awareness. It is only inasmuch as you see someone as he or she really is here and now and not as they are in your memory or your desire or in your imagination or projection that you can truly love them, otherwise it is not the person that you love but the idea that you have formed of this person, or this person as the object of your desire not as he or she is in themselves.
Therefore, the first act of love is to see this person or this object, this reality as it truly is. And this involves the enormous discipline of dropping your desires, your prejudices, your memories, your projections, your selective way of looking, a discipline so great that most people would rather plunge headlong into good actions and service than submit to the
burning fire of this asceticism. When you set out to serve someone whom you have not taken the trouble to see, are you meeting that person’s need or your own? So the first ingredient of love is to really see
the other.
The second ingredient is equally important to see
yourself, to ruthlessly flash the light of awareness on your motives, your emotions, your needs, your dishonesty, your self-seeking, your tendency to control and manipulate. This means calling things by their name, no matter how painful the discovery and the consequences. If you achieve this kind of awareness of the other and yourself, you will know what love is. For you will have attained a mind and a heart that is alert, vigilant, clear, sensitive, a clarity of perception, a sensitivity that will draw out of you an accurate, appropriate response to every situation at every moment. Sometimes you will be irresistibly impelled into action, at others you will be held back and restrained. You will sometimes be made to ignore others and sometimes give them the attention they seek. At times you will be gentle and yielding, at others hard, uncompromising, assertive, even violent. For the love that is born of sensitivity takes many unexpected forms and it responds not to prefabricated guidelines and principles but to present, concrete reality. When you first experience this kind of sensitivity you are likely to experience terror. For
all your defenses will be torn down, your dishonesty exposed, the protected walls around you burned.
Think of the terror that comes to a rich man when he sets out to really see the pitiful condition of the poor, to a power-hungry dictator when he really looks at the plight of the people he oppresses, to a fanatic, a bigot, when he really sees the falsehood of his convictions when they do not fit the facts. The terror that comes to the romantic lover when he decides to really see that what he loves is not his
beloved but his image of her. That is why the most painful act the human being can perform, the act that he dreads the most is the act of seeing. It is in that act of seeing that love is born, or rather more
accurately, that act of seeing is Love.
Once you begin to see, your sensitivity will drive you to the awareness, not just of the things that you choose to see but of everything else as well. Your poor ego will try desperately to blunt that sensitivity because its defenses are being stripped away and it is left with no protection and nothing to cling to. If you ever allow yourself to see it will be the death of you. And that is why love is so terrifying, for to love is to see and to see is to die. But it is also the most delightful exhilarating experience in the whole world. For in the death of the ego is freedom, peace, serenity, Joy.
If it is love that you truly desire then set out at once on the task of seeing, take it seriously and look at someone you dislike and really see your prejudice. Look at someone you cling to or something you cling to and really see the suffering, the futility, the unfreedom of clinging and look long and lovingly at human faces and human behavior. Take some time out to gaze in wonder at Nature, the flight of a bird, a flower in bloom, the dry leaf crumbling to dust,
the flow of a river, the rising of the moon, a silhouette of a mountain against the sky. And as you do this the hard, protective shell around your heart will soften and melt and your heart will come alive in sensitivity and responsiveness. The darkness in your eyes will be dispelled and your vision will become clear and penetrating, and you will know at last what love is.
Anthony de Mello, The way to love, Be awake
What are your thoughts on this explanation of what love is? Food for thought, isn´t it?
I´ve highlighted in bold a few ideas that I consider key to all this, and I´d like to clarify a few things:
First, I don´t think it´s possible to see reality exactly as it is, given that our brain always processes information received through the senses by applying certain filters and patterns.
Second, that´s precisely why it´s even more critical that we work on identifying those filters and patterns, to get a clear picture of how we´re constantly distorting reality, and have the ability to minimize those biases as much as possible.
And third, "killing the ego" is not necessary. In fact, it´s not even possible: the ego is part of who we are; it´s the mental structure we built to be able to live and function in this world, so we can´t eliminate it completely. But, once again, what we can do is be aware that it exists and learn how it works, so that we can recognise the thoughts it brings to us, and choose whether to pay attention or disregard.
In view of all this, I think it makes sense to swap the order of the elements, or as Anthony de Mello puts it, the ingredients: first, let´s focus on getting to know, understand and manage ourselves well (which, by the way, is a process , so it requires time and patience), and then, over time, we´ll begin to get to know, understand and finally love others.
From Monday to Friday I worked from our North Carolina office, connecting with my colleagues in person. This is a trip that I make once or twice a year, and it's always well worth it, even though it's also a bit exhausting, involving flights, jet lag and other adventures (even more this time round, including assorted delays and an airport power outage).
Then, on the way back, I had the incredible luck to be able to arrange a micro vacation: one day in Chicago! Twenty-four hours to walk around the city, and check whether I could remember anything from my previous visit, a gazillion years ago. I enjoyed it immensely.
In summary, it's been a very well rounded week. Although, as it often happens to me when I travel, there have been several aspects of my "battery management" that I have neglected quite a bit, three out of four to be precise (if you don't know what I'm talking about, have a look at this article).
Over the past few days I've eaten more poorly, had less time to rest and even forced my body a little bit, it's true. However, when it comes to the fourth category, connection, I got double points: I dedicated time to purposefully connect with others (that way strengthening personal and professional relationships), and more importantly, I dedicated time to reconnect with myself. And it did me a lot of good.
Now it's time to get back to a routine with the three first legs of wellbeing (rest, diet and exercise), if possible without losing the fourth one, connection, for if one leg fails, the whole table gets out of balance... Comments? Suggestions? How do you manage your own energy?
Back to school? Already? Wow, the summer went by so fast...
OK, in Spain there's still some time left, but in Ireland, secondary schools are starting at the end of this week, and primary schools, the following week. After some well deserved summer holidays, in the Northern hemisphere it's time to ground ourselves again and make the necessary preparations for this new school year.
By the way, this back to school thing is not only for children: we adults are also about to start a new phase, a new school year. It's a good moment to think about beginning new projects, or maybe resuming some that we may have parked during the summer.
That's actually what I'm doing right now: taking advantage of this moment to set myself in motion again; I'll tell you more details next week. For now, here are a few quotes I'm finding really helpful to tackle my projects with more energy and excitement (and less perfectionism):
Success hinges less on getting everything right than on how you handle getting things wrong.
Michelle Russel
Until you cross the bridge of your insecurities, you can't begin to explore your possibilities.
Tim Fargo
If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.
Ivan Turgenev
How about you? What do you want to achieve this school year? And when are you going to start working on it?
This weekend I´m in León, a city I´m very fond of. This morning, passing by the cathedral, I found myself looking at this statue again, I find it so interesting:
It´s a father admiring the cathedral (which, in fairness, is a beautiful, impressive building) and trying to get his son to admire it as well, and the son (maybe around seven or eight years of age?) is looking away, completely uninterested.
Does this ring a bell? How often do we get frustrated because our children (or other people) don´t do what we want them to do or don´t like the same things we like? Luckily, this dad doesn´t seem very upset; maybe he understands that, depending on our age and the stage we are in life, our priorities differ, and "visiting stones" (especially with your parents) is not very cool when you´re a child or a teenager.
I admit that I have loads of expectations for my daughters. Over the years, I´ve realised two things: one, that some of those expectations are reasonable and some are not, and two, that if I don´t communicate them clearly, I can´t expect my daughters to read my mind and just know... Even for things that I may consider obvious, because what´s important to me is not necessarily important for others, and that includes my daughters.
Generally, we parents all want our children to "behave themselves", but what does that mean exactly? How do we translate that into specific behaviours? "Behave yourself" is such a generic and vague expression that children don´t know what to make of it; it´s much better if we give clear instructions so they know what´s expected of them at each given moment. Then, as they grow up, our strategy as parents also needs to evolve: less instructions and more dialogue and negotiation. Some things will be negotiable, some will not; let´s be flexible in what we can, and they will be thankful for it, and then they´ll be more likely to listen to us when it comes to the important things, especially if they understand the why.
All this reminded me of a Mafalda comic strip that I always liked. The great Quino and his wisdom, as always:
Here´s the translation: Miguelito is saying this monologue, supposedly talking to his parents:
"Behave yourself!" "Behave yourself!" You cannot always behave yourself!
Every child in the world behaves well sometimes and badly sometimes!
Sure, wanting to be the parents of a child who never misbehaves is convenient!
Wanting to be the parents of a child who never gives them work is easy!
But it´s unsportsmanlike, and you should know that!
Today´s post is a bit melancholic, along the lines of "wow, time flies..."
It was John Lennon who said that life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. And even though we already know this, we still get surprised once in a while, don´t we? Suddenly we come across a photo, or we talk to a relative or an old friend, and memories come pouring through.
In the last two weeks, I´ve had plenty of those moments, and I didn´t hesitate to walk down memory lane. Sometimes, my daughters would get curious about the old times and ask questions, and I would take the opportunity to explain to them how my world was back when I was a child.
But the truth is that time goes on... I´m no longer a child, and the girls are also growing up quite quickly. Their older cousins, who were their age only a few years ago, are now adults and have their own lives. This realization encourages me to treasure even more our memories from all these years, and also to continue to create new memories, like the ones we´ve manufactured this summer so far:
Family reunions, goodbyes and welcomes. The wedding of the year! Dancing until sunrise.
A kayak trip in a hidden corner of Extremadura, guided by cousin Isabel.
BBQs and splashes, board games by the swimming pool, and camping outdoors for the bravest ones (thanks, Adrián!).
Supporting the Spanish squad together at the Euro cup, and celebrating victory with Eva´s super homemade dessert.
What about you? What memories have you manufactured lately? How do your summers sound and taste like?
A topic I´ve been meaning to write about, as I told you last week, is this idea of roots and wings.
I don´t remember when or where I heard this concept for the first time. What I do remember is that I thought it was a fascinating idea; back then, I asked my friend Oscar to draw an illustration to go along with a potential post on this topic. He replied by asking me to write the post first, for his inspiration, and things never went any further...
I believe today is the perfect day to finally write this post. Our "big little one" (my eldest niece, Ana) just got married; she just metaphorically flew the nest, and during the ceremony (which was beautiful by the way), the groom made a very emotional reference to the wings to fly and roots to return that their respective families had gifted them.
Searching the internet, I find it was Goethe who said there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children: roots and wings. This makes me reflect on my own roots and wings, for which I´m forever grateful to my family, and also on the roots and wings I´m making a daily effort to pass on to my daughters. They are growing up in a different country, far away from most of their family, and to me, it´s essential that they integrate their Irish and Spanish sides, for them to find stability and strength in knowing who they are and where they come from, and be empowered to take their own steps in life with confidence.
Here is a picture representing my roots, my childhood´s "happy place", and another one that somehow represents my wings: the path I´ve walked on my own, the places I´ve reached ant the ones I will reach in the future.
(Apologies Ana and Javi for being a bit of a copycat showing the sea, it´s just that I also happen to live on an island 😉 )
Also on the internet, I´ve bumped into several quotes and poems on this topic, and I´ve chosen these two from the same author, I hope you like them:
The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.
Dennis Waitley
Roots and wings, by Dennis Waitley
If I had two wishes, I know what they would be I’d wish for Roots to cling to, and Wings to set me free; Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree, And Wings of independence to seek my destiny.
Roots to hold forever to keep me safe and strong, To let me know you love me, when I’ve done something wrong; To show me by example, and help me learn to choose, To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.
Just be there when I need you, to tell me it’s all right To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in flight; Don’t make my life too easy, it’s better if I try, And fall and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.
If I had two wishes, and the two to make me happy And they could be granted by my Mum and Dad; I wouldn’t ask for money or any shop bought things, The greatest gifts I’d ask for are simply Roots and Wings.
Beautiful, isn´t it? How about you? What symbols or images represent your roots and wings?
P.S.- Congratulations Ana and Javi! You´re a living example of what it means to have roots and wings. I love you lots.
Yesterday, the girls and I went to the cinema to watch Inside Out 2, which in Spain is translated as Del Revés 2. Being such a massive fan of the first movie, I was sure I was going to like the second one as well 🙂
(If you want to know more about the first movie and the emotions featured in it, you can read here and here).
This is a photo of a little canvas bag I found in a shop a few years ago that I thought was very funny: it's literally "a mixed bag of emotions" (the wordplay doesn't translate as well into Spanish). The "mixed bag" expression conveys a combination of good and bad things; to me, it's a reminder that we all go through moments where there's a mix of emotions inside of us, some of which are more pleasant to us than others.
OK, back to the new movie. I don´t want to give you too many spoilers, though if you´ve seen the trailers, you probably have a pretty good idea of what it is about: our friend Riley has just turned thirteen, and as she becomes a teenager, everything gets more complicated, with new and unpredictable emotions...
Once again, I believe the artists from Pixar have masterfully represented through symbols what happens inside the human mind, explaining the workings of that mental and emotional rollercoaster that gets us inevitably carried away sometimes, especially during our teenage years. Then the story takes it a step further, entering the realm of beliefs and how they get formed and established as we grow up.
I´m going to take a risk here and tell you the message I took away from this movie; I´m not sure whether it´s the one intended by the screenwriters: after the first part put a lot of emphasis on the idea that all emotions are necessary and must be given their space, the second part tells us about the importance of accepting both what we like and what we don´t like about ourselves and about what happens to us.
Acknowledging the parts we consider positive and the ones we perceive as negative; the light and the shadow. Because we are all full of contradictions, and much like we have strengths, we also have weaknesses, not because there´s anything wrong with us that needs to be hidden or fixed, but because that´s how human beings work. We each have our own burden, and accepting and integrating whatever we find along the way is the key to being able to grow, mature and evolve as a person.
What about you? Have you watched the movie already? If so, what did you get out of it? And if not, what are you waiting for?
English (UK) 
Español